Homes For Abuse Survivors
Many abuse survivors need a safe place to live and to heal from their abuse. Survivors who have suffered severe abuse may not be able to work or have the finances to pay for a place to stay. The Body of Messiah has been called by God to love their neighbour. Providing a safe living environment for those who have nowhere to go is part of loving those in need.
People may think that this is what safe houses or shelters are for, but what they may not know is that there are not enough safe houses, and many times these places are not able to meet the needs of various people. Some places that are considered shelters may not be the safest places or even ideal for children or adults who have been traumatized.
The need for survivors to have a new home is extensive and the lack thereof has kept many survivors from being able to escape abuse and heal. One cannot always heal in the environment where they were abused or in an environment where there is a lack of support and compassion. The Body of Christ is called to demonstrate the love of God to others in need of help. Attention has been brought to the orphan crisis around the world regarding children who desperately need homes and yet there are also adult abuse survivors who need safe places to live.
Many people also believe that God will call 'someone else' or they may think that they couldn't possibly get involved due to something in their life. If everyone has this view then no one steps up to help those in need. God doesn't always call someone to do something when they have all that they need to accomplish His will. God only needs one's willingness to help and many times He has to wait until someone is willing to say yes to what He is asking.
God Is Searching For Someone To Stand Up
Abuse survivors may have up to ten people or more say that they will refer them to someone else because those people didn't think that God could want them to help the survivor. They may pray that God provides an answer but may never even consider that maybe they are the answer. People are often willing to pray for 'someone else' to step up and may wonder why nothing seems to happen because they never considered that no one is answering God's call. Many times God has placed His will on people's hearts only to have them reject His nudgings over and over again.
An abuse survivor may suffer years and years due to no one being willing to provide a safe place. The Church may tell them that God loves them but if they don't actively demonstrate the love of God, then those words often don't have the weight that they would if they showed God's love by providing safety. Many people 'feel' that they are not 'called' or that they don't have the 'means' or the stamina, strength, ability or time to help an abuse survivor by letting them move in, but this is why most survivors don't have a place to be safe.
Abuse that occurs in the context of a family, whether it be in the family of origin, in a foster care situation or any other type of family dynamic creates a need for survivors to have a 'new family' to replace the abusive relationships. There are many survivors of abuse who need safe places to heal. Part of healing is being part of a family unit. The need for those who serve the Lord to open their lives and families to take in children and adults who have no home or family is immense. The Body of Christ is called, 'the family of God' with God being the Father.
Healthy societies require that people feel wanted, included and loved. Many problems that could be avoided and prevented are rooted in the issue of survivors being alone, not having a safe place to live and not having support or family to share life with every day. Relational trauma is best healed in the context of healthy, loving relationships with compassionate people.
Ways You Can Help
Some ideas that one may consider when desiring to help those who have been abused by family or need a place to stay:
-Praying about giving a survivor of abuse a place in one's home (if they have space or spare rooms)
-Praying about providing a survivor with a safe place in a guest house
-Praying about creating options for survivors of abuse such as building onto one's home (if one has the funds) or clearing out a part of one's home for a survivor to have their own bedroom and a safe place
-Praying about raising funds from the community and one's church and family to build or pay for a living environment for survivors of abuse that are close to a loving family who will take the survivor into their lives
-Praying about building a small home for a survivor that could be on the land of a loving family
-Praying for creative ideas for providing a safe home for survivors of abuse
-Praying for revelation from God about what one could do to help a survivor who needs a safe place to live (and how one can be part of this even it requires laying down their selfish desires)
Characteristics Of Toxic Family Environments And Dynamics
If a child is forced to obey an abusive family member immense distrust and disrespect will start to develop in the child towards authority figures and adults. The actions that ‘seem to be’ rebellion in children may not be rebellion at all if a child is being abused. The child may simply be trying to resist abuse or cry out for help.
Children may even apologize for their ‘defiant’ behaviour (even when this behaviour is simply resisting abuse) because deep down they want to be good children. Adults who suspect that a child is being abused in a family, but then see the child showing love towards their parent should not take this as a sign that the child is not being abused in the family.
Children may not know what they are experiencing is abuse and they still need to give and receive love (even if this occurs with an abusive parent or family member). An abusive person will often groom a child to believe that resisting abuse is ‘bad behaviour’ and that exposing the abuse will cause the child to be punished.
Toxic family relationships are pervasive in families that have one or more abusers. In some cases, families will separate from one another, but in other families abuse is covered up, ignored or denied. In toxic family relationships, those who are abused are often told to remain silent and the abusers are protected (by other family members).
Many times one family member is made into ‘the scapegoat’ and blamed for all of the family problems. An abusive family member may control the other family members and make them comply, submit to the abuse and keep things hidden. Those in the family who are abusive often have narcissistic and sociopathic tendencies whereby they control and dominate the family.
The following dynamics can be part of a toxic family environment:
- Family pressure (such as peer pressure)
- Family manipulation (family members using various types of manipulation to force compliance such as sensitive information)
- Financial manipulation (family members withholding finances to force silence or submission about abuse)
- Family trafficking (a family member, or members, selling or trading another for sex, abuse or forced labour/actions)
- Family trauma bonds (an abused family member bonded to the abuser or another family member or members, thereby allowing abuse to continue)
- Enabling abuse (a family member or members protecting the abuser, allowing the abuse to continue)
- Family loyalty and guilt (making a family member feel guilty if they expose abuse to outside people)
- Family secrets (and keeping abuse secret)
People who have been, or are being abused, in a family setting need to know that they have the right to separate from the abusing parties and they are also allowed to expose the abuse to the proper authorities.
Children and adults may need help to make this step if they are not in a safe place to do so for themselves. Many survivors who have suffered familial abuse (especially children) were not in a place where they could speak out or ask the authorities for help. Children may fear what would happen to them or others if they disclosed any abuse to authorities if they think that they will not be taken seriously.
Familiar abuse has been able to continue in many situations due to wrong beliefs and lack of proper education regarding how to identify abuse and know how to handle it. This lack of adequate understanding has kept those who are abused silent and has enabled the abusers to continue harming others.
There is a great need for proper support systems outside of the family unit that will enable those who have or are being abused to speak out and get the needed aid. There is also a tremendous need for more safe homes and environments to be established (along with the necessary resources) for those who are abused to escape this type of abuse.
There are times when families can heal together, but other times family members may need to separate first from their family unit to be able to heal and recover. Some families may then be able to reconcile if all family members are willing to make changes.