Tools To Help You Support Someone Who Has Experienced Trauma

 

This article has been written for all of those out there who desire to help and support someone who has been traumatized in some way.

Firstly, there is not a ‘one size fits all’ approach to helping those who have experienced trauma, but there are some ‘beneficial’ things to know across the board if you desire to help and support someone who has been traumatized.

As a support person, it is imperative to know what can assist in the recovery of a trauma survivor and it can be greatly beneficial to have some tools on hand to use as needed.

Some people may need counseling and therapy from someone who specializes in trauma work, and some may not be able to open up in a formal counseling setting (for various reasons, i.e., lack of trust, talking with someone that they need to pay to help them, feeling uncomfortable in a counseling office etc.). The importance of a support person cannot be underestimated as they spend the majority of the time with the trauma survivor.

Trauma can involve many different types of situations from the death of a loved one to a car accident or physical injury, being involved in combat, abuse in various forms and many other situations and experiences. The younger the person is when the trauma occurs (especially during the developmental period), the greater the impact the trauma will have on a person’s life.

One of the main key factors to note when wanting to help someone who has experienced trauma is knowing that trauma ‘changes things’. Emotional trauma is just like a physical injury and the fact that damage has occurred cannot be overlooked. The brain is affected, and other body systems can be overloaded with chemicals and physiological responses.

No trauma is too small or unimportant to deal with as it can have long-term effects on the quality of a person’s life and health. Physical trauma can also impact the heart and emotions just as emotional trauma can affect the physical body. Unexplained illnesses, disease, and ailments could be rooted in a traumatic experience that someone has endured, even many years ago. Fears, anxiety, panic attacks, stress, and triggers could attach to these encounters that significantly hinders one’s quality of life in many ways if not dealt with appropriately.

 

Factors To Take Into Account

The severity of the trauma will determine how much a person has been affected emotionally, mentally and physically.

The age, personality and previous history of the child or adult who has experienced trauma should be taken into account in order to help them more efficiently (if one knows the person well enough to know this information).

Some people can seem to ‘bounce back’ fairly well and may be able to move forward without too much of a setback, whereas another person may be more deeply affected by a traumatic event.

Those who have experienced trauma at a young age and then later on in life will be impacted by the latter trauma in a greater way than someone who hasn’t experienced trauma at a young age. A house with a firm foundation and no structural damage will weather the storm much better than a house that has been previously damaged.

People handle and respond to trauma differently and in their unique way. One person may want to talk about it, and another may want to block it out altogether. Denial of trauma or choosing to just, ‘move on’ without processing or dealing with the results of trauma can result in greater problems down the road but, some people may need more time before being able to process or work through the trauma. No one should ever be forced to talk about something that they are not ready to face.

If someone does choose to block out the traumatic event, it is likely that they need time and a period of being built up emotionally to be able to process and work through it to begin healing. The person can not be forced to face something that they are not ready for and going into denial is a protective mechanism when one is not able to handle a situation, just as inflammation is the body’s way of self-protection. If denial is in place it reveals that the person needs a time to be empowered with tools in order to face the reality of the trauma that they have experienced.

 

Talking, Processing And Learning How To ‘Listen’

To talk or not to talk, that is the question? Just talking about a traumatic event or talking about a traumatic event in a way that will aid in recovery can be two different things. If the survivor is able to talk right away, then they need to have someone who can be a ‘safe’ listener, and it is important as a support person to learn how to listen in a manner that will aid the person’s recovery rather than hinder the process.

Some trauma survivors are unable to talk about what has happened, and others are able to talk about it but without any accompanying emotion or rather in a very disconnected way (almost as if the trauma had occurred to someone else). The latter type of ‘talking’ reveals that the person is dissociated from the emotions of the event and that the trauma emotions have been compartmentalized in another part of the brain as a protective mechanism. Initially, this may be the only way that they can talk about what has occurred, but for proper recovery of the trauma, the trapped emotions need to be released and resolved when they are ready.

A period of emotional and physical care may need to take place to enable the person to be able to handle dealing with the intensity of the emotions that are connected to the trauma. Trauma recovery will involve talking about the traumatic events, but being able to share these in the context of a safe and caring relationship along with developing coping strategies and capacity to deal with the trauma (while staying fully present) will all be essential components of the healing process.

Helping the survivor to learn a variety of self-care skills that they can then use during the memory work phase of recovery may be needed to move forward in their healing journey. The support person can also benefit from learning some skills that will aid them in understanding what trauma survivors may experience as a result of their trauma. Having some tools handy will be greatly beneficial for things that may occur such as anxiety attacks or triggers to various stimuli on a day to day basis. Tools such as breathing exercises, grounding techniques (learning to stay present and deal with panic attacks), steps to take if confronted with flashbacks, anxiety or triggers are all important to learn. As a support person learning to be able to calm or comfort the trauma survivor if something occurs can be very helpful too.

Whether the person wants to talk immediately or it takes a while, talking about what happened can be one of the most important steps in the healing process. The person who has experienced the trauma will decide when they are ready to talk or open up. As the person is able to talk about the trauma, it will also reveal what they believe about what has occurred which is the most important part to focus on for moving forward.

There are also times when someone cannot ‘talk’ out loud about their trauma for various reasons, i.e., an abuse victim who has been threatened, a child or someone who can’t articulate what has happened, etc. Helping the person find another way of communicating can be very beneficial. There are other ways that people can ‘talk’ about their trauma without using words. Artwork, dance, music, drawing, sand trays, writing, etc. could also prove very beneficial based on a person’s unique personality and makeup. Again, the most important aspect to note is ‘what they believe’ now that the trauma has occurred and to let the person who has experienced the trauma decide how and when they will ‘process’ through what has occurred. Adults who are supporting children who have experienced trauma have a unique situation as children many times do not fully understand or know how to process traumatic events on their own. The child may not comprehend that they have been traumatized or really know that something has impacted them so deeply. They may be experiencing things in their mind, body, and emotions that are overwhelming and foreign to their understanding.

A person who has experienced trauma may already be ‘talking’ or rather, ‘showing’ what they are going through without using words. A person who is unable to share their experience may show signs of anger, anxiety, brokenness or other symptoms through their behavior. A child who has been abused may start ‘acting out’ or show signs of aggression, fear or shame. Someone who has been traumatized may exhibit other ‘signs’ such as depression, addictions, avoidance behavior, self-destruction or isolation to name a few.

Learning to ‘perceive’ how someone is ‘talking’ (or ‘showing’) is an important key in being able to help a trauma survivor because this may be the only ‘way’ that they are able to ‘reveal’ about what is going on inside of them. The person may be desperate for someone to ‘notice’ or really ‘hear’ what they are trying to say or they may not be able to change the way that they are acting due to the overwhelming nature of what has occurred. They may not even understand why they are behaving the way that they are, but deep inside they sense that something is wrong.

 

More About Listening

Listening is a ‘skill,’ especially in trauma recovery. People may be born with a particular ‘talent’ but, a skill can be learned and developed by anyone. Listening ‘well’ is a skill that can be practiced and improved. We have already noted the importance of learning how to ‘read’ or perceive what someone may be ‘saying’ (even if they are not using words).

Someone may be showing signs of ‘anger,’ but the primary emotion they are masking could be fear. It is not only important to notice their behavior and actions outwardly but to be able to read deeper into what is really going on. Learning how to listen/perceive along with learning how to be a ‘safe listener’ will bring about much progress and can prevent many delays in the healing process.

 

Learning To Be A Safe Listener

Learning to be a safe listener involves learning how to listen to the person without judgment, without trying to give your advice or ‘fix’ things immediately and without jumping to conclusions before the ‘real message’ is understood. Many times someone may be ‘trying’ to help a trauma survivor, but instead of letting the person express what they need to heal, they immediately offer their advice when what the person really needs is someone who will just listen to them.

A person needs to be able to fully express what they went through and often just having a person who will listen with compassion and, ‘be there’ for support is all that they need at that moment. They may just need a hug or to have someone listen and then tell them that if they ever need to talk that they have someone who is willing to be there. If the person is given the time to express themselves without being interrupted they may ask for advice or for the perspective of the person who is willing to listen.

 

Let Them Set The Tempo

One can get more of a ‘sense’ of how to help a person by simply asking them what they need and by doing this it allows the person themselves to express how they would be most helped. Working with the person where they are at is extremely important. There may be a situation where it is essential for things to be revealed or spoken about, but the utmost care should be taken in how the circumstance is handled.

Certain things can aid in someone’s trauma recovery and some things ‘if forced’ or mishandled could be extremely detrimental to healing and moving forward. On the other hand someone may already be very eager to talk and desire counseling and support right away. Therefore, they will need a safe support person who can be there for them. Some situations may need more ‘specialized care’ from those who are trained in trauma therapy, but when those who support the child/person, have more understanding it can aid greatly in relief and healing.

 

Speaking ‘Truth’

Speaking ‘truth’ can also be very productive if the person is open to it. Young children especially need to be told certain ‘truths’ so that they don’t come to believe wrong things about a traumatic event. For example, two siblings may be in a car accident wherein the one dies. The child that lived may start to feel guilty and blame themselves for not sitting on that side of the car where the most impact occurred. It is very important to find out, as soon as possible, what the ‘child/person’ believes now that the trauma has occurred. 

‘Speaking truth’ would involve telling the child that it was not their fault and that they are not responsible for their sibling’s death. An adult who was abused as a child may also need to hear that it was not their fault because these beliefs can be deeply ingrained in their minds even from many years ago. Truth cannot be underestimated in trauma recovery. The beliefs that result from a traumatic event can often keep the power of the ‘pain’ alive well after the trauma has ended.

 

Below are some points and action steps that can be very beneficial for a support person to know:

– let them know that you are there for them if they ever want to talk

– let them know that you want to know what they feel would best help them

– let them know that you want to try to understand even though you didn’t experience the trauma yourself

– ask them if you can do something to ease their pain or workload

– take note of their triggers (what causes them to react) and see if you can find a way to help them when this occurs (again by asking them what would assist them)

– take note that personal attacks are not always, ‘personal’ or about you at all- the trauma’s impact may just be too much for the person to handle and at times they may ‘lash out’ verbally or ‘react’ because of their pain

– accept that things have changed and seek to find new ways of handling situations in a healthy way

– take into account how their physical body and brain has been impacted by the trauma depending on what has occurred (one can research how particular traumas may affect a person)

– it is important to always follow through with what you say you are going to do particularly with those who have experienced childhood abuse because their trust has been betrayed

– honesty is also a very important part of helping a trauma survivor especially those who have been abused because establishing trust is crucial for recovery

– apologizing can heal a multitude of wounds and also keep the relationship healthy between the support person and the person who has experienced trauma

– include as much fun, joy and love as possible (and the person is able to handle- you will have to get a sense of what is best for the person, and you can do this by simply asking them what would help them and take note at what triggers them)

– don’t feel like you always have to have the answer, but let them know that you always want to help them if you can

– being willing to listen to them without giving your opinion can be one of the most important keys to healing (unless they specifically ask for your insight)

– allow them to express what they are going through, what they feel and what they believe

– be willing to get creative and innovative (when there are things that could trigger them in a ‘normal’ situation)

– know that it is ‘their’ trauma and it’s not always about you if they overreact

– if you did do or say something hurtful out of anger or exasperation always apologize as this will open the lines of communication and cause the person to know that you are safe again (or they may not want to open up at all)

– be consistent and dependable (having a sense of stability can greatly help the person have a sense of safety allowing them to open up and not always be on guard – this may take time)

– do not shame them or speak in a derogatory manner, name call or speak about their value – if you do, always apologize and say that those things were not true – assure them that they are important and always make sure you clear this up or things may not progress

– be sensitive to their fragile state emotionally and/or physically

– if they are struggling to perform normal tasks and have stopped doing them altogether offer to help them with those tasks until they can do them on their own again (this can be extremely beneficial for some)

– allow them to cry or express their emotions in a healthy way

– find fun things to do together as improved joy levels will increase their capacity to handle processing the trauma (certain activities can assist in recovery from trauma and engage certain parts of the brain that need to heal)

– celebrate any and all progress (this is a very beneficial part of recovery, and it also highlights the positives in a situation rather than the negative)

– encourage and build them up as much as possible (some people may need a type of ‘ICU’ for their emotions)

They need love and understanding more than anything. Love can heal the greatest wounds.

Self-care tips that can help you be a better support person:

– take note of your own triggers (what causes you to react out of character) and work on your issues

– realize that when you are triggered, it may not be about the traumatized person at all, but something in your past being brought up because of the current situation

– taking care of your physical health will aid in your ability to support someone

– eating a ‘wholefood based’ diet filled with lots of fresh vegetables, nutrients and vitamins will improve your strength and make you a better support person

– drink enough water and avoid dehydration

– make sure to get ‘good’ rest as you are able

– getting a healthy dose of sunshine and Vitamin D is important for your physical and mental wellbeing

– listen to uplifting and soothing music to boost your spirit

– adding some exercise and movement to your life will provide many physical and mental benefits along with improving your energy and endorphin level

– include nurture and nature in your life to prevent burnout

-read good books that build you up and refresh your sense of self-worth

 

Trauma Recovery Requires Innovation

An example of the need to be innovative when helping a trauma survivor:

There is a group of friends who know each other and spend time together during the holidays. One of the friends has experienced severe abuse growing up in a home with parents who were addicted to alcohol. Every year during the holidays this person was terribly abused when their parents would fight and have binge drinking episodes.

The group of friends plans on attending a holiday festival but a week before the event, one of the friend finds out that there will be drinking at the event and the festival is known for people getting rowdy and wild.

Now the friends have a choice, they can either continue with their plans and cause their friend to be totally isolated or forced to try enjoy themselves during an event which will bring great distress, or they can decide to find another way for them all to enjoy the holidays. They could create a festival type of experience at one of their homes with festive decorations, food and music for them all to enjoy. The group still gets to have a good time while providing a healing environment and experience for their friend.

Another example of the need to be innovative when assisting a person who has encountered trauma:

A family of four (a mom, dad, and two teenage children) become a foster family to children in need. One child that is placed with them gets extremely triggered when the family watches ball games on tv or if they want to go to a game. The child was placed in foster care because their father, who was very abusive and neglected the child by spending hours watching ball games while locking the child in the bedroom for hours without food, water or attention. The family really enjoy attending seasonal games and now that they have the child living with them they could either drop the child off at a friend’s house (which could make the child feel rejected and isolated) or they could come up with an innovative way to handle the situation in which the child will feel loved, cared for and wanted.

 

Can’t You Just ‘Snap Out Of It’?

One may think that treating the person as if they weren’t traumatized may have them, ‘snap out of it’ but this can do more harm and delay the healing process. Some people who have encountered trauma may just want to be treated ‘like everyone else,’ but deep down they may desire someone to understand. Others may greatly appreciate being treated with the needed sensitivity. I say, ‘needed’ because it is a need to be treated with compassion when there has been trauma – although, how compassion is shown may need to be expressed differently towards each person.

It may seem that dealing with the trauma will cause it to last longer, but this is actually what causes the healing to happen quicker. The opposite will only delay and cause things to stay the way that they are. Again, being forceful can also hinder recovery and progress.

Supporting a trauma survivor can be very challenging and those who are willing to step outside of themselves and reach out to others in this position are to be commended for their kindness. Someone who is willing to grow, learn and develop in order to help a person who has encountered trauma is someone who has the heart to help others and is among those who are ‘real-life’ heroes.

The support person would do well to continue to learn more about trauma in order to better understand those they are trying to help. The more one understands the more they will be able to help those who have been broken or shattered. Those offering support also need support themselves and it is very important for the support person to have times of refreshment or receive the care and help that they need while assisting the traumatized. 

 

…“The beginning of wisdom is: Get [skillful and godly] wisdom [it is preeminent]! And with all your acquiring, get understanding [actively seek spiritual discernment, mature comprehension, and logical interpretation].’… Proverbs 4:7